No, I'm not talking about the difference between men and women and how we come from different planets yadda yadda yadda (although whoever wrote that ought to be checked out by NASA, obviously there's information out there that they just don't know about!). No, I'm talking about the not so elusive 'ex' that seems impossible to get rid of the first time you deal with it, whether it's yours or a partner's. Never mind "a part of me is missing since we split up", it's like having a 3rd dead arm that uncontrollably hits you in the face whenever you turn the corner quickly for the first while post-split. And let me tell you, sometimes the split is just the eye of the storm.
First I have to explain how I came onto such a topic this early in the morning - Last night I was deigned unsuitable and untrustworthy to the extent that I am not allowed to look after the family dog by myself for two nights. Now this to me is absurd - yes I had possibly made plans to leave the dog by itself for a few hours in the evening and even forgot I was looking after it one night but still! I look after myself fine don't I and I've only got two legs to balance on!
Anyway, after being hounded for an explanation as to my 'sneaky behaviour' I stopped listening and started thinking - is this where love leads? To arguments over a mutt with a third party? Is this me in twenty years time? And as I could hardly bear thinking about 'the future' when faced with this, I looked elsewhere for material.
I already knew that you can't change the past having watched "The Lion King" unashamedly on end from the age of two, but I was not aware that your future is a whole other trap of pointless things just waiting to take hold and annoy you..
Because, honestly, I had just been enjoying the past few months of having a normal amount of arms and minimal bruising. You see, at university it was constant because - hey kids, big mistake coming up - there is a small possibility that my ex and I went to the same university and there is a tiny chance that we may have split up not very far into term time (9 days, in fact) and there is a miniscule- ah screw it, all those things happened and we ended up in an 'intimate' tutorial together..Now that's karma for cheating, although I would have rather had one of my nine lives removed (or whatever) than suffer that.
Now, when you're still at the "let's be friends phase" (good luck with that) you try and talk, and share, and laugh but certainly not not not love. Under any circumstances you are NOT to seem attractive, or fun, or upset or whatever - in fact, your relationship hardly happened. What's that? We used to date? "Oh we don't really like to talk about it we're so much better as friends hahaha". Yeah we fooled nobody. If you can bypass that stage, I suggest it. Now anyway, following those rules I would throw in the odd anecdote about the 'new man' on the scene and he would pretend to listen. However, after one week he turned around and said: "Yeah I'm doing great, I'm totally over."
Excuse me?
EXCUSE ME?!
I think my exact response was: "What?! How dare you!" You can't be over me!"
Ex: "Why not?"
Me: "I'm not over you yet! I'm meant to get there first!"
Ex: "You're the one sleeping with someone else!"
Me: "I AM A WOMAN. I am allowed to do this and still think about you because I am complex! Now take it back!"
I got my revenge a few months later when we - 'new man' and myself - bumped into him and his friend on the street. The fact that he greeted us (me) with a wink and had difficulty meeting us (new man) in the eye led to the almighty feeling that can be translated to: Over me my ass. Ha.
He'd just finished making a friend a birthday present, one of those build-a-bear things. As we were walking away I said to new man: "Ever get me one of those and I am never putting out ever....Hey that's it! He's sleeping with her!"
Turns out I was right.
Anyway, now we don't talk after we spent one night playing mind games (any woman knows this is no euphamism) which resulted in my being kicked out of his bed. Well, he tried anyway. We turned into a bit of a divorced couple, actually. After buying a tent together to go on holiday with the year before (I was never quite sure if I actually paid my half but who even reads the small print - principles anyone?) and I wanted to borrow it to go away again as apparently I was going camping. Key word, apparently.
After trying to get in touch through text and phone calls, even emails I had heard nothing back. I settled on a compromise which read: Look, it's half and half so I'll come pick up the canvas and you can keep the poles to stick up your arse.
I think that sealed the deal.
But this wasn't the only 'ex' to exchange pleasantries with 'on set' (it felt like a drama) during first year - there was his 'ex' too, who lived in the same halls as us. At least mine had agreed to be in different halls (where did it go wrong, we were such clever people..) in case anything did go awry- which it usually always does, let me just point out. Anyway, it really was rather unnerving having a serious 'ex' wandering about halls (not that he particularly cared) who had a slight tendency to initiate these pleasantries. Admittedly the worst, and scariest thing about their being in the same halls was pointing out to the rest of the world how similarly they dressed in freaking trackies and hoodies and graffitied tees. One of my friends was known to mistake one for the other and try to grasp at some understanding of 'casual'. She got as far as: "Does this mean you have no self respesct?!" But it's first year - the achievement was getting out of bed and putting on clothes in the first place.
However, I did desperately try and hide his wardrobe during winter but he hit back with the argument "If I don't wear layers everyone will have to put up with my nips.." He has the most extraordinarily pointy nipples, which I wasn't cruel enough to let loose on the public. Maybe that was her issue too. I never really asked.
Women all react similarly when they find out their ex has moved on before them (see above) but I don't think anyone expected him to land me, especially me as I was newly single and drilled into him "This isn't serious, got it?" But there you have it, all of a sudden it was and apparently this raised issues. Key word being apparently, I have little knowledge of such facts and I'm sure anything I was to know would be too sad to attempt to put a comic twist on, although he did attempt to when he left university early to explore new avenues of life: "Wheeey, I don't have to be see her on a daily basis now!"
For the sake of woman kind...Just you wait til I'm your ex, boy.
Having left the proximity of mine he's hardly an added chromosome now, more a grown-out fringe who looks a lot better on his new girl, good on him.
It's all about putting the past behind you and, well, putting out.
Just not at the same time.
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