Tree trunks and dead wood.

My creative juices have been refuesing to flow in the last few days, probably because all I do at work now is sit and stare at a computer screen as I've finished my assignment but didn't tell anyone because I desperately didn't want to be the office scanning bitch. Thankfully more work came through. And when I say thankfully I don't mean thank god for the work, I mean thank god for keeping my hands busy so I dont attempt to staple my eye balls in a bid to feel!
Feeling..there's been a distinct lack of it recently! I had a bit of a midlife crisis the other day (a few decades early but what the heck, I can pull them off in my work clothes) and decided that life is shit, work is shit, plans are shit, my course is shit, everything's shit. This was all voiced at my friend during lunch and he proceeded to answer "Well...my bagel's not shit - do you want some of that?"
Sorry what? I'm talking about dropping out of uni, fucking off to Vietnam or Chernobyl to pick up some radioactive disease that will make my life slightly more interesting and your solution to that is pesto?! You're practically making me a packed lunch to go with my failure! You're telling me that the best thing in my life is green Italian substance in a jar, and you're rubbing salt in the wound by reminding me pretty much everything else has done more travelling than me this summer. In an bid to save his bagel from assasination-by-water
 he managed to wing a shpeel about "joie de vivre", and our need for it. So good was his spontaneous speech about 'living life to the full' and 'we could be dead tomorrow' the medic somehow managed to persuade me to cycle with him across Europe next year. I blindly agreed and then stopped dead five minutes later half way through a conversation about financing it with "Wait, will I get big thighs?" please no please no please no please no plea-
"Yeah, they'll probably get about 40% bigger." hey look at that, cold sweats...find solution find solution find - aha!
"Cool, well when I said bike, you know I meant motorbike, right?"
"You're such a woman."

No freaking duhr! After moments of clarity like this I honestly don't understand how men and women swap sentences on a daily basis let alone form relationships. During the brief exchanges above you can blatantly see near fatal miscommunications going on - I want to change my life and my friend is offering me carbs or thunder thighs? Do you not know usat all? How many of you coerce women into relationships I shall never understand..I'm assuming many of them have been flown over from Thailand..

But thankfully I'm getting written a programme by my personal training man and he promises he won't give me thunder thighs. We shook on it: "If I do, you're never getting them wrapped round you again. Ever. Hear me?"
Not that this is really an issue seeing as there are months in the year when there is to be no leg-wrapping activites due to his being an athlete. He looked in horror when I suggested injecting some testosterone...look, do you want to play by the law or do you wanna keep me?
Anyway, it's one of the 'fasts' or 'bans' at the moment and so his coach's mantra is "Women make the legs weak" (apparently the man can always tell) , and I think I'm starting to go a bit mad from a lack of having weak legs. I'm so highly strung that when I asked him where we were going tonight and he replied "Bar, club, pub, whatever, I don't know." I managed to freak out at the fact I didn't know what  to wear because they all have such different vibes/moods/lighting.. Naturally, this was not metwith understanding, although he did concede to give me prior warning before we head off -the fact that I may have suggested prolonging the ban after competition season surely helped, it was certainly not compassion for my womanly craziness. "You're all crazy, sure you're not the craziest I know but when you have your moments...you're just scary."

Once again, well done Sherlock, have a congratulatory blowjob. Oh wait...

I've just pulled through a mid life crisis and all I want to do is celebrate my new found joy/substance/love for life..
Good luck relationship.